Advice when you are separated but want to reconcile with your spouse
People often tell me that they live in a state of heightened anxiety when they are separated from their spouse. They are often in quite a lot of pain and assume the worst as they feel as if their lives are in turmoil. I understand that completely. The period in which my husband and I were separated was among the most painful and frightening of my life. However, looking back now, I realize there were a few things I could have done that would have made everything go much smoother. I probably could have saved myself a lot of pain too. So in the next article, I’m going to offer some tips on how best to handle a trial breakup so that it goes as smoothly as possible and so you have the best chance of actually improving or saving your marriage, rather than ending it.
Don’t assume your marriage is over: I can’t tell you how common it is for people to assume that the beginning of a separation means the end of their marriage. Of course, they hope that’s not true. But deep in their hearts they fear that it is.
While this is understandable, it is very important not to allow any doubts to cloud your judgment and influence your actions. Yes, I know this is scary. But very often, if you fear something so much that you align every thought or action with it, you’re almost doing the thing you fear, most likely.
Not all couples who separate end up divorcing. Many don’t. Some not only save their marriages, they make their marriages even better. And the even better news is that your actions, behaviors, and strategies can have an impact on what’s happening now. It’s not as if you have no control over the outcome. You do. So be careful not to give up before you’ve even had a chance to fight. I know firsthand that this is a scary time, but try your best to think positively, knowing that this will give you the best chance of success and make this easier to bear.
Try to agree on the details before anyone moves out: I know it can be painful and awkward to talk about how often you’ll be seeing each other or seeing each other in advance. But this will almost always be the best solution. One of the biggest problems of conflict once a breakup has begun is failure to meet expectations. Often one person assumes one thing while the other assumes another. When expectations or hopes are not met, people feel hurt or assume the worst. All of this can be avoided if you outline what will happen before someone moves out and before misunderstandings start. Try to agree as much as you can so you both know what to expect
Outline what you will do to improve the situation. Commit to being proactive, not reactive: Many people just blindly hope that time and distance work for them. In other words, they prepare and hope for the best. I’m not going to tell you that this is an impossible strategy. Often, breaking up shows both of them that they have taken each other for granted and often miss each other so much that they are motivated to get along much better.
But the problem with this is that even though the motivation level rises, sometimes nothing is done to overcome the issues that led to the breakup in the first place. So while this problem may not resurface in the reconciliation phase, it waits until your relationship is under stress again. This leads to doubt and uncertainty, which can lead to more problems.
In short, if you can commit to working through your issues (and this can happen after the breakup is over, if that’s easier for you), then you’ll have a lot more confidence in your marriage. And as a result, you’ll have a much lower chance of it happening again.
Don’t do things you’ll regret later. Remember that you are still married: Sometimes, when there is a lot of doubt about what will happen to the future of your marriage, it can start to feel like what you do today won’t matter anyway. One of the biggest obstacles to reconciliation is when one or both spouses engage in behaviors during the separation that ultimately threaten their marriage. People will often act in ways that they would never think about when they weren’t separated. And in a way this is understandable because you are vulnerable and under a lot of stress. Therefore, it can feel pretty good to let off some steam. Or it might be tempting to go out for a drink with that cute colleague because it would boost your self-esteem at a time when it’s desperately needed.
However, I strongly feel that you should resist these temptations. You are still married and I can’t tell you how often I see marriages end because one or both spouses started dating during the separation. Don’t do anything that would jeopardize your marriage, and know that your significant other can find out things that you were sure would remain a secret.
Know that building yourself and your behavior with dignity will only help your marriage in the long run: People often resist working alone when they are separated. Understandably, their entire focus is on their husband, their marriage, and what’s wrong. But honestly, there’s probably never been a better time to work on yourself. First, you probably have more free time right now. Second, it will often make you feel productive and provide you with some relief. Third, it will probably make you look more attractive to your husband. I know it’s easy to just sit at home and think about the situation, but that doesn’t bring your husband closer to you. But if he sees that you make the best of things because you love and respect yourself enough to do so, then he will follow suit. That you value yourself enough to do this makes you appear more valuable to others. And increasing your perceived value can be vital right now.
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